love, acceptance, & alter egos: a journal entry (8)

 

This song is somewhat related to the entry. I was looking for songs that I felt connected to this one, and I picked Kendrick Lamar. I hope you guys like this one lol. :)))

    I often think about the life I would’ve had if everything went well. What would’ve happened if I had present and active parents? Proper guidance? Someone or something to fall back on? What if the most impactful people in my life didn’t leave this Earth so early? A part of me wants to believe that in another universe, I did receive those things, but unfortunately motherfuckers can’t time travel. Losing so many things made resentment build up in me. Along with that, I gave up on myself so easily. I didn’t– and still don’t– trust my decisions, and until a certain point, I didn’t trust myself. I don’t know exactly when CYBER_DRIVER was born, but I do believe the persona had been building over time. I remember Toni Morrison saying this a while ago, but I started writing from a lonely place. I relied on music and art because I was in a lonely place. Before I knew it, I started having ideas I never had before, and I wanted everyone to know about them. I wanted to be seen; I wanted to be heard, and I didn’t even know the reason. I was becoming CD before I even knew who they were. 

    What throws me off the most is how different CD is from me. CYBER_DRIVER is loud, hyper, almost aggressive in a way. I didn’t realize how pent up I was until I started embracing those parts of myself. It started bleeding into my personal life, and my best friend told me I had more “fire” than I used to, and she’s known me for years. I feel like I took my pain, my struggles, my frustration, and I put them on CD. The things I didn’t like about myself, the things I didn’t want people to see, I put on CD; but at what point does it stop being an alter ego and start turning into a reflection? 

    Before I could process it, my pain turned into comfort, my struggles started easing up, and my frustration turned into love and pride. Right now, this is the least perfect I’ve ever been. I gave up on the dreams I thought I wanted, and I’m letting everybody down in terms of expectations…but I have never been more proud of myself in my life. For the first time, I’m prioritizing myself. I’m letting myself have new ideas; I’m letting myself be a little unhinged. I’m letting myself be annoying. I’m letting myself be loud as fuck, because I know deep down it’s healing a younger version of me. I’m healing the version of me that was quiet and never spoke up. It took a while, but I love the person I am now; I just hate how it took an alter ego to figure that out. Whatever, I’ll be alright anyway. 

- CD ★

Tekken 8 & Why It's Cool as Sh*t

 

This video is somewhat related to today's discussion. I wanted to put this here so I would remember to watch the whole video. LMAOOO - I hope you guys enjoy it! :)))

• Word Count: 457

    Growing up, I used to LOVE fighting games; I still do. My first introduction to fighting games was the Injustice game on the PS3. I used to play Joker all the time and just whoop ass. Then, when Injustice 2 came out, I played it on my Xbox One. I started playing as Harley Quinn, and I was whooping ass then, too. You know what? Maybe I just like jesters and clowns…but I’ll unpack that another day. After beating those games as a kid, I moved on and started playing Mortal Kombat X (an older game) with my brother. Did I love the game? Not necessarily, but I liked it better than Injustice. I ended up maining Scorpion, and I just learned his combos; it was cool for a while. Then, as I got older, I tried to play Street Fighter. Street Fighter was fun; it was different…but still wasn’t a game that caught my attention like that. Then, fast-forward to earlier this week, right? I was walking around the library and looking at the games you could rent; one of them was Tekken 8. It caught my attention since I played the demo last year, but didn’t remember much. I got bored, rented it, and brought the game home to play…and the only thing I could think was, “Why the fuck did no one tell me about Tekken?” 

    Dude, Tekken is genuinely so fun. I don’t even know what makes me like the game. Okay, I do like the characters, the fighting styles, and I love that I can get away with mashing buttons, but that’s not the point! Also, I hope I make sense when I say this, but Tekken feels Black. Hold on, hear me out. You know how Black anime fans universally agreed that Piccolo from Dragon Ball Z is Black? I have similar feelings about the Tekken franchise. However, at the same time, I could be wrong. I’ve only played Tekken 8 as of right now, and I’m not even aware of the lore yet; I’m just saying it feels Black. 

    Additionally, unique shit just stands out to me. Compared to the fighting games I mentioned earlier, Tekken’s cast attracts me the most. I literally got to play as a fucking panda and a Black Ninja Terminator (Raven). Along with that, the fandom seems chill as shit, and I lowkey want to join it. I like connecting with people in the name of video games; it’s fun…and it gives you an excuse to do nerd activities. Anyway, the point of me writing this? I’m officially a Tekken fan, and I wanted everyone to know. LMAOOO

- P.S. I liked playing Raven the most. I hope I can actually own the game soon! 

- CD ★

October Announcements: Album & Film of the Month, Content Ideas, & More

 

This video is for anyone who wants to learn more about Memphis rap and its history. It's an interesting watch, and I hope you guys enjoy yourselves! :)))

    Hey everyone, I hope you guys are doing good! Bro, I'm so excited for October- it's one of my favorite months of the year. I can't wait to start seeing and writing about scary stuff lol. Anyway, I just have a few announcements I wanted to get out of the way. 

1. For album of the month, I wanted to show you guys Da Resurrection by Al Kapone. For this month, I wanted to go into the darker side of hip-hop, and I felt that picking this album would be a good introduction to the genre. A lot of Memphis rap has creepy elements in its music, along with storytelling. Not to mention, a lot of Memphis rappers put horror movie elements into their work- I figured this would be the best theme for October LOL. Anyway, all of that aside, I hope you guys enjoy yourselves. 
2. Now for the short film of the month, I decided to go with NOT ANOTHER BLACK HORROR MOVIE by POPE. Not only is it the first horror movie on the blog, but it's also another comedy. It's super short, and it may take more than one watch to understand it, but it's still a good time. 
3. I know I only uploaded twice last month...and one of those posts was the damn announcements. LMAOOO, my fault! I want to work on posting more this month. I think I needed the small break because I've been trying to force myself to write, and it hasn't been working in my favor. I have to give myself time, and I appreciate you guys for being patient with me. I'm going to make it up to y'all, trust! ;)))
4. It's officially been a year since CD THE NET ★ launched. I've been a blogger for an entire year, my people!!! I have no clue what I want to do for the anniversary, but I'll definitely be writing something, so be on the lookout for that! 

    Being on here to write and make content is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I really love being on here, and I intend to make more stuff in the future, so thank you guys, for supporting me; I'll forever appreciate it. Anyway, emotions aside, that was all I had for the announcements! I hope you guys enjoy yourselves this month, and I'll talk to you later! 

ヽ(*⌒▽⌒*)ﾉ

I ain't sh*t: a journal entry (7)

 

This is somewhat related to the post; it was the song that was playing when I wrote this. This is one of my favorite MIKE songs, so I hope y'all like it too. :)))

    Honestly, September has been nothing but a long-ass humbling session. A lot of stupid shit happened; I fucked up my car, my mental health was at its lowest point, I was barely here mentally, and to top it off, I got fucking sick. It feels like the universe is just telling me to shut the fuck up and sit down. Like, goddamn, I did not catch a break. It's just been weeks of beating myself up and trying to be perfect. The same shit that was holding me back; the same shit I critiqued myself for- I let it happen again. 

    I try my hardest...I think. Look, when I said I was my biggest enemy, I meant that shit. Growing up, I let so many things hold me back. Now, as an adult, I let everyone's opinion of my life tear me down...Sometimes, I let them stop me from making the decisions I want to make. I can write all I want, but the truth is I haven't changed. Sure, I can blame other people, but I'm the only one living with my decisions. No one else is going through my shit but me. A part of me wants to be angry, but what good would that do? I barely have anything going on; no job, no money, nigga, I'm barely here to begin with. Spending all this time trying to impress people so they don't criticize me- it's tiring, and I don't know why I can't see that. The best way I can describe people-pleasing is watching yourself turn into a broken record; you keep playing the same songs so people can dance, and they don't give a fuck, as long as you can play music. Actually, that might be a corny way to look at it. lmao 

- CD ★

September Announcements: Album & Film of the Month, Content Updates, & More

 

Dude, I ended up finding this video by accident. This is for anyone who wants to learn more about MIKE and his influences. I hope you guys enjoy! :)))

    Hey everyone! I hope you guys are doing okay. I just wanted to go ahead and share some quick announcements for the month again. 

1. For album of the month, I wanted to go ahead and pick Beware of the Monkey by MIKE (2022). Now, I know it's actually a mixtape, but I still enjoyed the project and wanted to show it to all of you. His music felt fresh, and I felt myself connecting to his art quick as shit. I hope you guys like the project as much as I did. 
2. For our film of the month, I wanted to show In My Garden by Zahri Josita Jackson (2023). Not only is the movie pretty as hell, but I thought some of the themes were similar to MIKE's project. I'm happy about what I found, if we're being fully honest. 
3. In terms of content, I don't know if I'll be posting a lot this month. I want to take the time to work on other projects, but I promise to be on top of shit soon! Life's been kicking my ass a little bit. LMAO

    Anyway, that was all! Sorry, it wasn't a lot of announcements this month. I hope you guys enjoy yourselves this month, and I will talk to you guys later! (＠＾◡＾)